The Meaning of Sacrifice
by Gravity Productions
Summary: Ritsuka learns the meaning of sacrifice after a traumatic experience with his therapist, Dr. Katsuko. Oneshot. RitsukaXSoubi, RitsukaXKatsuko. Rated T for moderate but not detailed sexual content. Abuse.


_A Note From Naphtali: I've wanted to do a Loveless story for a long time now, because I've fallen in love with the series. Ritsuka has always struck me as a very vulnerable boy. Although he puts up a tough front, he's a sweet kid who really just wants to know what love is, and experience it personally. I wanted to write a story that highlighted the damage that an authority figure taking advantage of him, even in a less than forceful way, could potentially cause him to feel. I'm so excited to be able to publish my first story with a person who has been an inspiration to me since I first started really getting into fanfiction. Ben has been an awesome influence on me, and I feel we compliment each other's writing style well. I can honestly say I just love everything about writing with him. _

**A Note From Ben: Honestly, it's Naphtali's fault I'm even here. I didn't even know what Loveless was until he told me about it. But he didn't just tell me. He asked me about it, linked me, told me about it relentlessly. Finally, I sat down and watched the anime (English dubs without subtitles to translate the written text suck ass). I absolutely loved it. So here we are. Our first collaborative effort. I hope you enjoy it. Also, I realize that Katsuko is a little OOC, but come on. Her screentime is very limited. We were working with what we could. Enjoy.**

* * *

**The Meaning of Sacrifice  
**by Gravity Productions

Ritsuka knocked on the door to Dr. Katsuko's office, and gently pushed it open.

"Hey doc...I'm here. How are you today?"

Dr. Katsuko turned and saw Ritsuka standing there. She was always so happy to see him, and even made it a point to smile at him every time she greeted him, even though he rarely smiled back.

"Hello, Ritsuka," she said, making sure to adjust her bra to make her breasts look fuller. "I'm fine. And you?"

Ritsuka looked down on the floor.

"I'm...fine," he said, sitting down on the couch, continuing to look down. He had noticed that Dr. Katsuko had seemed to act more and more strange around him as of late, and couldn't quite place what was happening with her.

"Good," Katsuko said. Ritsuka had been a sort of eye candy for her for years, and she had decided that today would be the day she would make her move. She just had to approach it the right way. Play it off. Make it sound like being with a much older woman was something all boys dreamed of. "Anything you want to talk about today?"

"Well...I guess...I don't know doc. I'm really conflicted right now. Things are getting hard to understand again...with Soubi. I'm not sure how to handle it," he said, checking his phone. No messages. Soubi hadn't texted him in several hours. He didn't want to think that he had offended him...but he didn't know what else _to _think. Soubi had told him to his face, after all these years, that he wanted him in _that _way. He had made it clear that he didn't mind waiting, even if that meant waiting ten more years, but all Ritsuka could do was blush and run out of the apartment. He was so _stupid_. He should have said something, anything, rather than just tearing out of there. Thinking back, he remembered how hurt Soubi had looked, and it tore at his heartstrings.

"What's going on with Soubi?" Katsuko asked. "You told me last time we met he's been getting less suggestive and more direct in the things he says. Has that gotten any worse?"

Ritsuka blushed. "Umm...that's the thing...he says he wants to be my first. He wants to take my ears. He wasn't pressuring me or anything, but it's the first time he's ever made his intentions so clear. It's making me doubt myself, and him. I'm starting to worry he might be a pervert after all. I hate to think bad things about Soubi, considering all we've been through together, but this is so scary, doc."

Checkmate. She had him. She moved over to the couch and sat down close to him. So close, in fact, that their hips came just short of touching. She reached up and ran her finger in a slow, seductive circle on his shoulder. "Ritsuka, I'd like to give you a little advice. It may not be the advice you're expecting to hear, but I think it would help you a lot."

Ritsuka looked up at her with wide eyes. He felt so safe with her. He always had. She was the one adult he had always trusted without question. His mother had hurt him more times than he could count, and Soubi had always been a bit flaky, but Dr. Katsuko had been like the loving mother he had missed so much since their first session four years ago.

"What is it doc?" he asked, hugging her close to him for comfort.

Katsuko felt herself go moist. She wanted the boy so bad, and here he was holding onto her like she was his only friend in the world.

"Ritsuka," she said, "don't be afraid to take risks in life. Sometimes change is good. Do you want to hold onto those silly old ears forever? You might find the experience of losing them to be…enthralling."

Ritsuka bristled a bit. He didn't know why, but something didn't feel quite right. Still, he supposed, she was a professional and she would never give him bad advice without a good reason. "I...I don't know doc. It's just...the idea of losing my ears at fourteen just makes me feel so dirty. It's like...I don't know. Mother always told me that only bad boys lose their ears before they're adults."

Katsuko was on fire. She was doing it. She had always fantasized about making her move on Ritsuka, but had never believed that she could summon the courage to actually do it.

"That's just old-fashioned thinking," she said, leaning over and whispering seductively into his cat ear. "People talk that way because their parents taught them that way and their parents before them. But we live in a different society now, Ritsuka. In today's world, you can't be afraid to take chances and explore your options."

She licked his ear, then put her hand on his chest and began running it down his body. She didn't know how he would react when she got lower. In her fantasies, he had always spread his legs and given her full access. She hoped this would be the case in reality.

Ritsuka squeaked and shot away from her like he'd been burned. This, he knew, qualified as unprofessional, and he was afraid of her for the first time. "D-doc...what are you doing? You're...acting s-strange."

Katsuko snapped out of it as quickly as it had overcome her. Her desire dried up almost instantly, and she realized she had frightened him. She wanted him to make love to her, but she also cared very much about him.

"Ritsuka," she said, closing the gap between them, "it's okay. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just me, Dr. Katsuko. I'm your friend, remember? Relax. It's going to be okay."

He relaxed a bit, but his nerves were still a little frayed. "I...don't get it," he mumbled, looking down at his shoes. "Why do you want to do something like that...to me? We're not together or anything."

"I know," she said. "I just couldn't help myself. You're beautiful, Ritsuka. One of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I can't help but feel attracted to you. It's the natural order of things. Not like what Soubi wants to do to you."

"...Soubi wanting me...isn't natural?" he asked curiously. He couldn't fathom what she meant by that. He let his guard down a bit and walked back to the couch. "What do you mean? How is it not natural?"

Katsuko knew she had to proceed with caution. She couldn't say the wrong thing, or she might end up losing her license. Of course, if Ritsuka told anyone what she was attempting to do, or the things she was saying, that would happen anyway.

"Ritsuka," she said, "boys are supposed to be with girls. That's why boys have one set of parts and girls have another. What Soubi wants to do to you… is against the evolutionary process. Creatures are meant to breed, and one male cannot breed with another."

Ritsuka looked at her, deep in thought. "But I know lots of boys who are together. My friends Natsuo and Youji are together and they're one of the happiest couples I know. And Soubi...he's always so nice to me. He really cares about me. How could that be wrong?"

"Tell me, Ritsuka," Katsuko purred, "have you ever gotten an erection over a woman?"

Ritsuka blushed. "Umm...no. I've only ever had one with Soubi, but even then I never felt comfortable doing anything. I've never done anything even with myself. I don't know why, but it just seems wrong."

"There's nothing wrong with exploration," she offered. "Sometimes a little experimentation can be good. For example, how will you know what it's like to be with a woman if you've only ever been with Soubi? Wouldn't you like to know how that feels?"

She pressed herself up against him.

"We could start with a kiss and see where it goes from there."

Ritsuka paused. She had a point. He wouldn't know for sure what it was like if he didn't try it. His body was beginning to react, but his mind was still frozen with fear. "I-I don't know Doc. I mean, I could kiss Yuiko to find that out...I mean, I'm not trying to be mean, but you're so much older than me. I mean, why do you like me so much? You could be with an older man who knows what to do; you could be with a man who's comfortable with you and understands his feelings."

She reached up and put a gentle hand on his cheek.

"I may be older than you, but I'm also experienced and could teach you. Also, I like you because you're so much more mature than other boys your age. You always have been. I want you, Ritsuka. I always have. Now is your chance to do something amazing. Will you take a risk and lose those ears, or will you stick with what you already think you know?"

Ritsuka bit his lip. He had never felt so safe and so vulnerable at the same time. This woman had always been kind to him, been the only adult who'd cared unconditionally for him and always been straightforward with him. He was sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant. Soubi loved him, yes, but he always seemed somewhere where Ritsuka couldn't fully reach him. He feared that Soubi was going to take his ears, and perhaps even out of genuine love, but when the time came for Seimei to return again and attempt to reclaim him, he would be left forgotten. In the back of his mind, he even thought about how Soubi wasn't his true fighter. Maybe, just maybe, Dr. Katsuko was, and she didn't even know it. She'd always listened and loved him without any reservations up to this point. And if he was willing to be with Soubi, who was an adult, and who had lied to him in the past, wouldn't it stand to reason that Dr. Katsuko, who was an adult, and who had never lied to him, even about something that could get her to lose her license, would love him and care for him all the more?

He looked up at her with his wide eyes. His tail was wagging against his will, and he knew she could probably sense his body reacting, getting flushed. So much for never having an erection with a woman.

"Um...does it hurt?"

"Not at all," she said, drawing closer to him. "It will be the most wonderful experience of your life."

She closed the gap between them and kissed him. The feeling was electric, and she was wet again.

The fear was back again, but she was so gentle, so loving. Just like Soubi. Only somehow different. He didn't feel any distance between them. His fear began to ebb, and he cautiously kissed her back. After a moment, however, he broke the kiss.

"Umm...are you really sure this isn't wrong?" he asked, feeling ashamed of himself for questioning her.

"Have I ever done you wrong before, dear?" she asked. "I've been watching you for the past four years, tracking your progress, seeing you grow up. In all that time, have I ever given you bad advice?"

He offered a tentative smile. "N-no, I guess not Sensei. Please...don't make it scary. Make me feel safe," he said.

"I promise," she cooed. She put her hands under his shirt and gently helped him remove it. She put her hands on his smooth chest. "You will always be safe with me."

He reached out with shaky hands and tried to undo the buttons on her blouse, but he couldn't hold his hands steady. "I...I'm sh-shaking. Umm...don't we need to do something so I don't get you pregnant?"

He had hit a sore spot for her, but she didn't let him see how much it stung. Instead, she decided to just be honest with him.

"I was born sterile," she said. "That's why no other man has been interested in me in a long time."

"I'm sorry," he said, eyes full of compassion.

"Don't be," she replied. "I made peace with it years ago. Don't let it ruin your excitement, because I can tell you _are_ excited."

She reached her fingers down and gently brushed his desire.

"I can feel it."

He shuddered, and threw back his head in an involuntary moan. "I am...oh wow," he gasped.

"One thing I can promise you, Ritsuka," she said as she pulled him down on top of her. "You will never forget this."

After a few more comforting words, Ritsuka had finally given in. Minutes later, it was over. He had been quick, and was very embarrassed. "Umm…" he said…"I'm sorry, I…" He felt sick to his stomach, and had to run naked over to the trashcan, where he spewed the contents of his stomach. Guilt was beginning to override the shockwaves of pleasure his first time had caused.

"What's wrong, Ritsuka?" she asked, coming up behind him. She didn't care that he had been quick. Being with him was everything she had ever dreamed it would be. "Are you really that upset that it was over so fast? We can make that better with a little practice. It wasn't bad. It's just… everyone is fast their first time. It's not a big deal."

Ritsuka was shaking like a leaf. "I betrayed Soubi," he whispered, throwing up again, and beginning to cry. "I'm sorry, Soubi. I'm so sorry." He couldn't get rid of the nausea. His ears and tail would fall off in less than an hour. He was no longer a virgin. Soubi wouldn't even want him now. He was a used item. A pawn shop piece of ass who could never go back to him.

"Please don't cry, Ritsuka," she said. "Come here and let me hold you and comfort you."

Ritsuka didn't say a word. He just sat down next to the trash can and wept softly, his eyes dull and lifeless. He couldn't even move.

Katsuko suddenly felt like the absolute lowest human being on the planet. She had fulfilled her own fantasies and desires, and had pleased the boy at the time, sure. He had moaned and gasped as he had thrust into her, and his face had glowed with ecstasy. As the adult, though, she should have considered the long-term repercussions. He couldn't be expected to because he was just a boy, but she was a highly educated woman. She realized now, far too late, that she had potentially caused irreparable damage to his psyche.

"I'm so sorry, Ritsuka," she said. She didn't realize how pathetic she looked standing there apologizing to a child she had just taken advantage of. "I didn't know it would affect you this way. I thought you'd like it."

He snapped. "YOU SHOULD HAVE!" he screamed, still bawling his eyes out. "HOW CAN I EVER GO BACK TO SOUBI NOW? I'M A PAWN SHOP WHORE!" He dressed himself as fast as he was able.

"You're not a pawn shop whore," Katsuko said. "You're a sweet, sensitive, wonderful boy. Just because you did something a little more adult than you were ready for doesn't make you a whore."

Ritsuka stopped crying, and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"I'm leaving. You won't see me again." he said softly, running out the door as fast as he could, leaving the office and his tennis shoes behind.

He ran, and ran, and continued to run for well over five blocks. Before long, he found himself at the lake. He threw himself into the water, needing to wash himself clean. He stayed until his ears and tail both floated away into the water, and he cried for a good hour. He had just gotten out, and was still dripping wet, when the all too familiar gray sedan pulled up next to the beach.

Soubi stepped from the car, and the first thing he saw was Ritsuka's missing ears and tail. The next thing he noticed was his soaked clothes and vacant expression. His eyes narrowed. What fuckery was this?

"Ritsuka," he said, "Tell me what happened."

"D-D...Doctor K-Katsuko and I...I couldn't control...she was sweet talking me, and making me question you and I...oh God." He couldn't continue speaking, he just threw himself into Soubi's arms and screamed a throat tearing, animalistic scream.

"PLEASE DON'T ABANDON ME! I'M SORRY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH…"

He realized what he had said, and he surprised even himself. That was the first time he had ever said it. It was too bad it would probably be the last time he would ever get to. Soubi was going to leave him. He would never see him again.

"Ritsuka," Soubi said. "I am under the orders of your brother to protect you forever. I am under his orders to guard you with my life. I was also under his orders to love you, but that is no longer a command for me. Look at me."

Ritsuka's eyes were bloodshot from crying, and it was so hard for him to look his Sentouki in the eyes after what he'd done, but Soubi had asked him to, and he wanted to do _anything _Soubi wanted him to do at this point. He wanted to obey him without question. Anything to make up for the horrible, rotten thing he had done. So he raised his eyes, expecting to find condemnation and anger, or sadness and pain.

"You are mine, and I am yours," Soubi said. "Losing your ears and tail will not change that."

He leaned down and kissed the boy. Nothing too forceful, considering what had just happened to him, but a gentle, loving caress of lips.

Ritsuka tried to kiss him back, but nothing felt right. The normally pleasant smoky taste of Soubi's lips tasted like stale ash. Everything felt distorted and warped. His heart felt like it wanted to give up and go still. He couldn't bear to kiss him.

"Soubi...I feel dirty. I tried to wash off, but I still feel just...awful."

"What can I do to make it better for you?" Soubi asked. "Order me, and I will do what you say. Tell me to kill her and I will obliterate her."

"NO!" Ritsuka cried. He clenched his fist. "I'm sorry...but no. You are not to harm her, that's an order Soubi...but there is one thing you can do for me."

"Name it."

Ritsuka began to cry again. "Just tell me what _I _can do to make it up to _you. _If there's anything I can do, I'll do it. I don't care. If you want to...take me, do it. If you need to leave me, do it. I deserve to be punished. I want _you _to command _me. _I want to give you anything. Do anything. I just...God Soubi, I just want you to be happy, and I've ruined everything."

Soubi was conflicted. He was not one to give orders. Everything Ritsu had taught him about his role in the universe said that he was to take commands, not give them. He wasn't sure if trying to issue a command would cause the universe, or Ritsu, to strike him down. What should he do? He had never been put in this situation before. He said the only thing he could think of.

"My command to you is… that you forgive yourself. I command you to forgive yourself and fully recognize how much I love you, no matter what you've done or where you've been or who you've been with."

This struck a chord in Ritsuka, somewhere deep down. He couldn't describe what he felt. He was at war with himself, but all Soubi was doing was loving him. He had betrayed him, and yet, Soubi was unconditionally devoted to him. It was then that he realized...the term sacrifice didn't mean that he was the one to take all the pain in battle. It meant that his Sentouki would sacrifice anything for him. That he was totally and irrevocably his.

"I...I don't know what to say, Soubi...do you really love me that much?"

Soubi smiled.

"Yes."

"...Oh Soubi...I love you so much. I'm sorry. But I promise you, I am yours. From now on, forever. I'm yours. You are my Sentouki, and my beloved...forever. I'm in a lot of pain from what I did tonight...but I want you. I _only_ want you. Please tell me you'll stay with me forever."

"Forever."

He leaned down and kissed the boy again.

Later that night, after Soubi had driven Ritsuka back to his apartment, they showered together. It was all Ritsuka had wanted. Somehow, having him there in the water with him washed him clean in a way that Ritsuka was unable to achieve on his own. Soubi's forgiveness had washed him clean. The pain he felt was still immense, and he knew that it would take a long time to work through. Every time he thought of that night, for years to come, he felt a deep sense of shame and regret. But he knew that Soubi would always be there with him, to help him weather the storms of life. He didn't deserve Soubi, not one bit. The fact that he still had him caused him to love him in a way that no words could describe. It would be three years before Ritsuka would have another sexual encounter of any kind. On his 17th birthday, he was finally ready to give himself fully to Soubi. It had been difficult, awkward, and above all, beautiful.

As he lie there in the afterglow, the shame and regret began to be replaced by something else. Genuine joy, and love. He knew that he could spend the rest of his life lying there in Soubi's arms.

So he did.


End file.
